How it’s Irish: The author is from Dublin.
Yes, I am, because you’re an elderly man with bits of yesterday’s soup, at least I hope it’s just soup, in his beard, and I desperately want to touch your bum.
2) You have wi-fi?
You mean ‘Excuse me, do you have wi-fi, and if so, may I have the password please?’, Of course we do, but order a drink first, (you bastard).
3) Excuse Me, Can We Have Some Service Please? (Note – This is occasionally uttered by a British, or yes, an Irish tourist, about four seconds after they get to the bar, while you’re dealing with 47 other requests, and shortly before they leave, with drinks, without tipping).
Yes, just not here, now f*** off.
4) I Love Your Accent, Is It Real?
Of course it is, I was born in Denmark, and raised in Milwaukee, but the bits you hear, are probably from my time spent working as a Norwegian language instructor in New Zealand, you unoriginal f**ker.
5) Can I Plug This In Somewhere?
Plug what in, your magical personality creator? Yes, bend over and ask your mother to plug it in, oh, sorry, she’s your girlfriend?
6a) So, What Else Do You Work At Besides This?
Nothing, why, what else do you do besides your primary source of income?
6b) Yeah, I was thinking of quitting my job and just waiting/bartending for a while, it looks like such fun.
You’re in finance? Yeah, I was thinking of giving this up, just to chill in corporate America for a bit, it looks so easy, but I’d be surrounded by douchebags.
7) I’ve had such a tough day…………
What the f*** do you think this is, the 1940s? No bartender/server/human being wants to hear your problems pal.
8) Can you make my shot extra strong?
Sure, just let me call up the Jack Daniel’s/Jameson/Johnny Walker etc people and ask them to change their recipe for you.
9) Just a water for now.
Yeah, I know what ‘for now’ means, you’re not gonna order a drink at all are you? Well, it’s raining, so if you want water, stand outside, open your mouth and look up, you cheap bastard.
10) What’s your cheapest drink?
They’re all $19 each pal.
11) I’ll tip you next time.
No you won’t, because I won’t even look at you or acknowledge you, never mind serve you. And when you’re standing there with your mouth open dying of thirst, then I’ll give everyone except you a buyback, even the busboys, right in front of you.
12) What’ve you got on tap?
Just the beers that are eight inches from your eyes, and the ones listed on the list you’re holding but too ****ing lazy to read.
13) You got any bottled beers?
No, the people beside you drinking bottled beers brought their own in. You dumb f***.
14) Oh, the guy who used to work here used to give us a break on the bill.
I guess that’s why he ‘used to’ work here.
15) I’m a close personal friend of (insert owner’s name here) (Note – This means the owner met this person once quite some time ago, and possibly bought him a drink).
Oh yeah? Been to his house recently? What’s his second name? How’re his kids doing? How come you’re pronouncing his name incorrectly?
16) Hey, is that waitress single?
She sure is, and she’s not been asked out by a drunk, boring, ugly bastard who’s 24 years older than her, in a while, and you look like just her type, so don’t even pull your fly all the way up or hide that wedding ring, oh, that steak sauce on your hands, it is just steak sauce right? Leave it there and just go for it dude!
17) Hey, where’s the other guy?! (Note – The other guy left/was fired 18 months ago).
He heard you were coming in so he took the night off.
18) We used to come here all the time.
You mean, you were here once, over the holiday season, when somebody else was paying the tab.
19) This drink (which I’ve never heard of/ordered/tasted before), you made it wrong.
I sure did, they make much better ones in the bar down the street, why don’t you piss off down there instead?
20) I can’t believe you’ve no crisps/chips/pretzels/nuts.
Well see if we did, then we’d have cheap bastards like you coming in a lot more, rather than people who’ll order from the menu.
21) Y’all got pool table?
No, because tossers like you kept putting the balls in their mouths to perfect that dumbass accent.
22) Do you have a bathroom?
No, here, use this bag.
23) What’s this for? (Note – Points at something they’ve never seen before, like cocktail shaker, or soap).
It’s for scratching my more delicate areas when you’re not looking.
24) Do you guys have, like, wine? It’s an Irish bar, I wasn’t sure whether to ask.
Yes, but it’s made from potatoes. So are the chairs you’re sitting on, the bar you’re leaning on and seemingly, the brains you’re trying to use, you thick f***.
25) So, can you do all the Tom Cruise stuff?
Not from the movie ‘Cocktail’, but I do possess some books about Jesus and the space travel he enjoys.
Copyright 2015 New York Irish Arts